So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
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