There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
