dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
