what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
