I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
