Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize