He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Randomize
