so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
