Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
