First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
