i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
