I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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