How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
