i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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