Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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