I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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