My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
