Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
