I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My vagina is officially offended.
Randomize
