Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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