Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
