I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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