I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
