Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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