we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize