Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
