I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
