Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
