Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
