he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize