my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I need a hoe opinion
go on
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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