i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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