It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
