oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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