My sheets look like a crime scene.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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