I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
