All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
