never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You are the jesus of drinking
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
