There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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