I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
