There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
