just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
