Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
