She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
