Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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