You just made me feel so damn special
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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