I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
