mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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