I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
