i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
