I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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