Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
meet me or not, i'm out of control
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
