I'm jealous of your bromance
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Its about making memories worth repressing
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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