I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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