I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
