we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
