Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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