i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
