I am midnight drunk by noon
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Green mimosas i think yes
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
