i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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