I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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