Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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