We got so high we made milksteak
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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