Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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