im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize