i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
