nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
