One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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