Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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