So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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