so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
