he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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