threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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